I feel a change happening within myself, a transition, if you will. I have made a promise to myself to make (more of) a commitment to work towards what I want and would like to achieve, intensifying my focus on getting there, and staying true to myself no matter what anyone else has to say about it. But, dang is it hard. People are loud! My newfound mantra of “commitment and focus” has definitely been working over the past few weeks, especially with CrossFit. My main focus and commitment is my health, which I have been struggling with for quite some time now. I finally have a grasp on the exercise aspect of my health and now I feel like I am able to focus on the diet and mental aspect.
I’ve been toying with the paleo diet over the past year and it has been difficult. I do love my carbs, but my recent re-commitment to myself has allowed me to cut back. What has also been helping is that I am allowing myself to have a little bit of carbs with each meal, but not a lot. I also have set days in which I allow myself to eat and drink certain things, such as Fridays are soda day and Sundays are bagel days. If I happen to eat a bad (i.e., fried or greasy) meal in a day, I make sure that my other two meals are healthier. There are days where it is difficult (e.g., school days), but I try not to get too upset over it, which leads me to the mental aspect of my health.
I have been obsessed with food, my body, and my weight for as long as I can remember. I attribute this obsession to my gymnastics career. I also attribute my horrible self-esteem and self-conscious issues to my gymnastics coach and the perfection aspect of the sport. To get a glimpse of the type of horrible man my coach was (read: pedophile), you can find out here (in the section at the bottom of the article, Less Oversight in Private Sports. Note: Although I was interviewed for this article I am not the girl who was quoted.). I was with this coach from the ages of 10 to 16. During my time as a gymnast under his watch, he would call my teammates and I “fat whores” and other names that cannot and do not want to mention (Having to recall everything he ever called us for a police report was one of the most awful things I have ever experienced). Who calls a 10 year old a fat whore? Seriously. I’m currently taking a social psychology class and this week I read about persuasion and attitudes and this is what the researchers had to say: “The teens and early twenties are important formative years. Attitudes are changeable then, and the attitudes formed tend to stabilize through middle adulthood… For many people, these years are a critical period for the formation of attitudes and values” (Myers 2010:251). I am a perfect example of this statement. My experiences with my coach have carried over into adulthood, which I struggle with on a daily basis. A friend posted the picture below on Facebook today and it’s just so fitting with what goes on in my head every day.
I have had eating disorders, both starving myself and gorging myself until I felt sick. I have never made myself throw up because I hate throwing up so much. I wouldn’t even put that on my worst enemy, I hate it so much. But, I digress. Everything my coach ever said to me still floats around in my head quite often. It’s getting better as I get older, but he is definitely still there. Most days I’m able to manage the hate, but other days it just kills me. I am also trying to stop being so obsessive about food and my body and trying to focus on being more conscious of my decisions. This may seem easy for some or ridiculous to others, but unfortunately, this is what I’m dealing with. I’m also trying to rid myself of the emotional attachment that I have with and towards food. For example, when I’m happy or something good happens we celebrate with food. If I am sad, I get ice cream to make me feel better. When I’m stressed, I grab a soda and a bag of chips. (Mmm… soda. I just realized it’s Friday and I haven’t had a soda today. Go me!) Because I have been working on refocusing my thoughts about food, I am slowly eating better every day and it has affected me physically. You’re now probably thinking, “Well, duh. If you eat better, you’ll feel better.” And to you I say, “Duh. I know. Easier said than done, butthead.” So, if you’ve ever wondered why I may appear crazy, depressed, angry, and/or so hard on myself, now you know. I’m a work in progress.
It’s been an interesting and exciting past few weeks at CrossFit, and it is because of my refocusing. I have been able to do most of the workouts (WODs) as prescribed (RXd) and even beat some of the better, stronger ladies on a few WODs. Woot! There have been some WODs where I was one of the first people done, and some I was the last to finish. What was so rewarding about the WODs where I was the last to finish was that I completed the WOD RXd, meaning I did not modify any of the movements, skills, or weight at all. I didn’t care about finishing the fastest, as I wanted to do the skills with as best of form as I could and not modify it. That was such an accomplishment since it has taken forever for my Achilles to heal. (Yes, it is my fault it has taken so long. I know. It’s just another thing I’ve added to my list of things I hate myself for.) There are two ladies at the gym that I love having around because they push me to be better and faster, and they are Janyce aka Black Widow and Heather aka Jersey (we need to come up with a different nickname for her). Both of these ladies are so strong and athletic and I hate them for it. Just kidding. I don’t hate them. I’m just jealous because they’re 10 years younger than me, gorgeous, and so fit. Regardless of their age and beauty, they make me push myself that much harder and this “old” lady thanks them for it. I have been feeling much stronger and nimble lately and I’m seeing the results in the mirror. Now, if only my damn potbelly would go away…
I am excited about the goals I have set and about my re-commitment to myself. Depression is a bitch, and it feels so good to feel happy again. Many thanks to everyone who has helped me on my journey and continues to help me become a better, healthier person. I am in the process of learning to love myself for who I am and accepting my body as it is. (Holy personal blog, Batman!)
Notable WODs over the past few weeks:
Wed, 1 Feb 2012
88 sit-ups in 2 min
Mon, 6 Feb 2012
10 Rounds for Time:
Time: 16:20 RX
Fri, 10 Feb 2012
Time: 19:54 RX
Mon, 13 Feb 2012
10 Handstand push-ups (HSPU)
Time: 14:44 RX
Thur, 16 Feb 2012
Time: 21:04 RX