Dear Ninja, just breathe…
At the moment I can’t decide whether I would like a do-over of March or just move on to April and forget that March even happened. I really hate posting downer-type posts, but sometimes it just has to happen.
Other than a handful of good days, March has been emotionally exhausting and taxing, and I just want it to stop. I would like to keep that small handful of good days; the rest can go eff off.
A few Sundays ago is one of those days that I would not want to change had I had the opportunity to have a do-over of March. I had a spiritual awakening, an epiphany, if you will. It was one of the best days I’ve had in quite a while and everything just felt so right. It was unbelievable. I was excited because I figured out a way to conceptualize something that I’ve been thinking about since I was young. Unfortunately, with this realization came hesitance. Hesitance because I’ve only experienced this type of epiphany 2 times before in my life and after every realization something happened to where someone or something stripped that happiness away. And guess what? It happened again. Apparently I’m just not supposed to be THAT happy. Just kidding. That was sarcasm. I know my happiness should not depend on others, which leads me to another issue – who CAN you depend on?
Literally (I use that word sparingly since it is so often misused) the next day my trust and privacy was violated. I was shocked, hurt, confused, disappointed, pissed off. What the eff just happened? Ugh. Since that day I’ve felt so confused and sad. Confused because I don’t know who to trust, sad because extremely hurtful words were said. Disappointed because I saw a side of people that I wish I hadn’t seen. I also saw a side of myself that I never wish to see again.
To clarify, what happened doesn’t involve one particular person; there is a variety of people and factors involved, which makes my life feel like a giant clusterf*ck at the moment.
I’m trying to move on because what’s done is done, and what’s been said has been said. There’s no changing that. However, this cloud of frustration is just lingering over my head and I haven’t a clue what to do. Part of me knows what to do, the other part, not so much. I know I have to trust my instinct, but I have to be sure I’m prepared for the potential outcome.
So cryptic, I know.
Everyone has their own opinions, and everyone is going to try to tell you what they think is best for you. I keep having to tell myself to trust my instincts and feelings, but it is difficult; however, I won’t give up. I keep having to tell myself to “just breathe” and that things WILL get better. They always do. Just being in the middle of the storm sucks balls, but I do know that I will come out a stronger person in the end.