I’ve been wanting to write on my blog for quite a while now, but have passed because I’ve been in such a shitty head space. I want my blog to be a positive space for me to talk about life experiences, not a place where I word vomit complaints. As I type this, I’m not sure how this particular blog post will end up as there is so much I want to say and so much that I can’t. I’m trying to keep it positive, yet that is where my main problem arises: the act of thinking with positive affirmation.
I’m generally a pretty positive person, always trying to look on the bright side of every shitty situation and be grateful for what I have. Unfortunately, that is what has caused me to arrive at Shittyland. There are two main things that I’m dealing with right now – one that I have no control over, and the other that I do. Over the past year I have told myself over and over again when I’m feeling poopy that I should be grateful for my family, my home, my job, my friends, blah blah blah… Basically saying:
Yes, I am extremely grateful for all that, but I should not have to sacrifice how I am truly feeling just because I have what appears to be a good life. There will most likely always be someone worse off than me, but I shouldn’t disregard what I’m feeling because of that. And I didn’t realize I was doing this until a few months ago when I had an emotional breakdown. I had been so successful at pushing all of my frustrations, confusion, hurt, sadness and anger to the back burner that my top finally blew. All too often I had been doing this:
Then I see shit like this:
I get it. Holding in our true emotions allows us to appear strong. Does it really, though? There comes a point when you just can’t hold those feelings in anymore. How about we turn it around and say, “A strong person isn’t afraid to show his or her true feelings.”
So often we are told to keep our feelings to ourselves, or to not show weakness. Why is expressing our worries and concerns a bad thing? Nobody is perfect and everyone has their own problems, so why are we trained to make everyone think that we have to be perfect or appear to have a perfect life? Honestly, I get a bit uncomfortable when I see or am around someone so well-put together and who always appears so happy. Like, they never fluctuate on the happiness/appearance spectrum. They are constantly at HAPPY! and their outfits and appearance are SPOT ON. It makes me wonder, “What is going on in there?” Humans are full of so many emotions, that I just can’t comprehend that someone can always be on like that. Meh, maybe it’s just the skeptic in me. Who knows? Now, I would rather not be around someone who is constantly grouchy and always complaining, but I do enjoy being around people that are REAL. People that don’t have to put on a show with their words or their clothes.
What about the integrity of our actions and behavior? Perhaps that’s for another blog post.
I have a lot that I’m working on, mainly not letting people’s words and stupidity get to me. I’m in need of an attitude adjustment. It’s not easy, but I’m working on it.